WTF Valkyrie Profile Fanfic

Everything seemed to be a normal day for the beautiful goddess of death whose every Valkyrie Profile fanboy's favorite and also the reason why Lezard Valeth loves his daily shot of primitive Viagra pills --- Lenneth Valkyrie.

Seeing dead bodies scattered everywhere is very much normal at the time of Valkyrie Profile which is only god knows effing when. Of course, the sight of dead bodies gives Lenneth her usual why so serious remark ""A defiler of souls must be nearby!" So she walks around the path of the shrewn corpses unmindful of any potential living asshole whose just pretending to be dead just so that he can take a look at Lenneth's prized sapphire-colored chastity belt.

Our lovely fan-favorite Lenneth bends down here and there in hopes to find a good warrior that died a pure-hearted man and not some pervert that was executed or defeated in a duel for perversing over some other warrior's girlfriend.

When all of a sudden she hears a young man screaming --

"IT'S NOT MY FAULT!!!"

Lenneth stood up from where she's been bending down to see where it came from. She frowned and sighed. "It must've been some attention whore." but then...there it goes again!

"IT'S SO NOT MY FAULT, GOD DAMN IT MOTHEREFFING---"

That voice...oh god! That effing voice that scintillates between the voice of Edge Maverick from Star Ocean IV and the overrated tone of everybody's favorite Uchiha sasUKE whose voice actor is none other than You-Ree Uke-wet-all or William T. Spears if you prefer, you Japanophile.

Anyways. Lenneth rushed to where the voice was coming from but decided to hide herself in between some fallen debri for maximum stealth effect. What she sees is rather a horrible sight that's far too unsuitable for the Valkyrie Profile series; more unsuitable than a J-Rocker fag that got fucked up as a minor character:

A silver-haired boy whose not old enough to play Eroge that Japan is so crazy about and a blond guy with some spunky attitude in the ilk of Zack Fair from the Compilation of Gackt Tribute VII. Ohhh god, imagine a minor and some guy whose may or may not at the legal age to do something as drastic as ---

A sequel of Brokeback Mountain right in the middle of a surrounding mountain of corpses.

After shouting his lungs out, the silver-haired boy proceeds to make out with his blond childhood friend. Disgusted by the sight, Lenneth decided to fly away to another location in hopes to finding real HARDCORE STRAIGHT MEN. Shiny white feathers started raining down from the sky but the two Brokeback Mountain actor-wannabes aren't budging from their compromising positions.

Until a buxom goddess of the darkness whispered with her seductive voice "Do you want revenge, sweetie?" The silver-haired necrophiliac temporarily stopped making out with his deceased seme and shouted:

"NO THANKS, I WANT YAOI. BUTTSECKS NOW!!!"

The goddess of darkness in shame replied only a sharp "Hmph!"

-----

Back to the fanboy favorite Lenneth Valkyrie.
Three attempts and all she found are soldiers making out. Actually, those goners are "performing CPR" with attempts to revive their comrades as they had perversely ran out of Elixir (HP recovery item). She could no longer stand seeing the mountain of corpses turn into proto-Brokeback Mountain and so she decided to fly herself to the Northernmost part of Midgard which is god-forsaken Dipan.

She is then greated by some arrogant Black Mage whose trademark quote goes like:
"Welcome, I'm honored to receive a goddess of fools---"

...as for Lenneth's return in greeting:

"SHUT THE F--- UP, J-ROCKING FAG!!! Give me the time machine or else I'll expose to the world that you're doing it with old men!"

The Black Mage, baffled by the goddess' words and accusations of him not being straight, was petrified without even requiring Stone Torch. We could only guess that he's far too guilty.

With heavy steps, Lenneth makes her way into the basement of the bloody kingdom-laid-to-waste. The impact of her iron shoes with the crumbling ground resulted into several debri falling on the petrified black mage that she encountered earlier. Fanboys could only cheer -- "Sweet! Pretty boy's face is finally crushed!" Assholes. Happy now?

Lenneth isn't. She's still pissed off big time. After almost destroying the crumbling castle with her heavy steps, Lenneth finally made it to the basement. The time machine is right in front of her but with a curious note that goes like:

"In order to make the time machine work, take off your armor first...and if you're feeling generous, your clothes too."

The note made Lenneth even more pissed off to the point that she began kicking the damn thing.

"I'm so not here to be a fanservice feeder for dirty old men that aren't contented f---ing J-Rockers!!!"

Until the Time Machine began to work, albeit dizzy for all the kicking Lenneth did.

"Take me to the distant future where I can find HARDCORE STRAIGHT MEN worthy of serving lazy bum Odin!!!"

The time machine granted Lenneth's wish and she was transported to the future...

In the world of guess what:

Compilation of Gackt Tribute VII. Oh yes. The whole bloody franchise turned into a Gackt-fest!

Lenneth luckily landed in a sight hidden from the people's view. Seeing that the people's clothing are too simple that dressing in scanty armor would make you look like either a cosplayer or a whore looking for clients; Lenneth decided to shift into her villager clothes.

She walks around looking for warriors when suddenly she bumped into a silver-haired man whose beautiful hair surpasses even her own.

"Why hello there, beautiful madam. What can I do for you?" he said with such a seductive voice that Lenneth blushed. But Lenneth is straightforward and asked...

"I have but few questions. Are you gay?"

The man laughed off and said "Yes, I am gay...for I am happy to meet you!"

Lenneth smirked and asked again "Do you do it with men?"

The man confidently exclaimed "YES! I do it with men...in the training room! There's three of us flashing our long, hard and---"

"ENOUGH!" Lenneth walked away with heavy steps, splashing the puddles of mud in the rain-drenched streets to the faces of those perverted men that are looking straight at her.

"What's wrong with the world? Why can't I find suitable warriors? ARRGH, this job is harder than I thought it would be! I better return to the past instead." However, there is no more means for her to come back in the past and that the whole timeline of her video game series (Valkyrie Profile) had been retconned to the point that Valhalla is now being ruled by pretty boy Alto Saotome (seiyuu joke not intended) with green hair like another fanboy's favorite Ranka Lee.

Also, Valhalla isn't the ubiquitous ones anymore. It's Shin-Ra. Oh god Shin-Ra!!!

...and when we say Shin-Ra, of course, there is the SOLDIER Director that looks just like Mr. Viagra Pills-taker/Lenneth-fapper.

"Is there a problem, madam?" he politely asked the beautiful Lenneth when all of a sudden...

*SLAP* "Defiler of souls! You dare to follow me even in this distant future?!"

"I'm sorry? I don't understand what you're talking about."

"Don't you pretend because you have naked pictures of me in your laptop!!!"

The director laughed off at her to which he received another slap, this time in the other side of his face.

"Okay. Madam, I think you are clearly suffering from something worse than postpartum depression."

But she's stubborn as declaring "You dare say that because you want to impregnate me? You bastard!"

"Fool! Why would the director dare to touch a crazed woman like you?" says everyone's favorite Gackt-Seed: Genesis Rhapsodos. The only other person other than Lenneth who'd be properly named in this story.

"Fool? How dare you follow me too you J-Rocking fag!" Lenneth went on shouting.

"Excuse me. I wish that you buzz off from your senseless accusations. It's not fit for a beauty such as you."

Genesis' words seems pretty convincing...

"You're straight? As in, hardcore manly man?" she asked.

"Why yes, of course. But not the strict sense of hardcore as I am a lover of poetry." says Genesis.

Finally, Lenneth found her ideal warrior!

"You must come with me to Valhalla." she said.

"What's that, some sort of...club or bar?" Genesis grinned.

He got slapped by Lenneth in return.

"You're too straight, are you?"

"Why yes, I am."

When all of a sudden...

"Genesis. God, you forgot to wear your red thong again..." said a well-built man with a neat haircut which we could assume is Genesis' childhood friend.

"That's so embarrassing!" Genesis blushed.

Lenneth on the other hand was like "WTF, only Frei wears red thongs!" before she shut off herself, resigning to her fate of being locked away in a white room and bound with a straightjacket.

~ End